My Story — The Untrained Leader

Chapter One

A Leaflet on a Tree

My mother was a nurse. Most of her family were nurses. I grew up in hospitals, surrounded by the smell of antiseptic and the sound of shift handovers. So naturally, I swore I'd never work in one.

I enrolled in university because the course was trending. Not because I had anything to do with it. After a year of pretending, I dropped out. No plan. No backup. No idea what came next.

And then a tree changed my life. A small leaflet stuck on a tree trunk. Nursing. I didn't have another option at the time, so I followed it. I finished the training barely knowing the basics. Lucky for me, a couple of nurses I worked with early on took the time to teach me how to cannulate, how to care, how to show up.

Chapter Two

From Romania to the Unknown

After six months working on an Oncology ward in Romania, I moved to the UK. Started as a Healthcare Assistant. Probably the best period I ever worked in healthcare. The simplicity of it. The closeness to people.

Six months later, I received my PIN and moved to another county. Another care home. Another role. Now a nurse. I was terrified. The stories back then were that you could lose your PIN so easily. Every shift felt like walking a tightrope.

A year passed. A year of creating friendships, crying next to families and colleagues, being on an emotional carousel at all times. But I was so grateful for the opportunity.

Chapter Three

The Cracks Nobody Talks About

At some point I told myself the system must be better anywhere else. So I kept moving. Kept climbing. Nurse. Clinical Lead. Deputy Manager. Interim Home Manager. Each title heavier than the last.

I returned to the care home where I'd worked as a nurse for the first time. The place I considered home. I knew each resident. Each family member. I held space for tears, laughter, pain, anger, threats. I gave everything I had.

And somewhere in the giving, I lost myself completely.

I remember one Saturday evening, trying to complete an Accident and Incident monthly report. I started crying so hard I couldn't stop. When did I lose my life? When did I start doing things only for others? Where were my friends? Which friends? Why wasn't I at the cinema, in a pub, somewhere I felt alive?

Everything was dark.

Chapter Four

The Night Before the Last Day

I called the Samaritans one evening. Angry. Crying for help. At the other end, a very calm voice. That calmness made me even angrier. Instead of telling me what to do, she kept asking me questions. The plan after the call: contact the GP and quit.

I wanted help from the GP, but I was scared and ashamed. To quit? I couldn't. What would happen to everyone at work?

I went to the GP. They prescribed medication for depression. During the day I felt like I was floating. In the evening I couldn't remember how I moved from the sofa to my bedroom. That was frightening.

Every day, driving to and from work, I'd hope for a car to crash into me. Not because I wanted to die. I just wanted a break. That was all. I requested annual leave, but nobody could replace me. Declined.

Then came the panic attacks. My colleague took me into the treatment room and said: "You moved to the UK for a better life, or to finish it quickly?" Those words stayed with me.

The night before my last day, I parked my car at home. Called my boyfriend. Started shouting. Two things very unusual for me: to call, and to shout. I told him I was going upstairs to take some tablets. Not because I wanted to die. Because I needed a break. He came. He stayed the night.

The next morning, as soon as I walked into the building, I was handed sticky notes with phone numbers and names to call back. I don't know if I was physically able to say anything. My tongue was blocked. I couldn't breathe. I texted the previous Home Manager asking what to do, as if I needed permission to admit I was broken.

The sick leave followed. And the shame. I felt I had let everyone down. Residents. Families. Colleagues. I wasn't strong enough. I felt like the weakest link in what everyone said was a strong system.

Chapter Five

The Long Way Back

Recovery didn't come fast. But it started in the quietest of places. My boyfriend's house. He wasn't in healthcare, and that was a blessing. For the first time, I didn't have to talk about work.

I stayed with the same company. My feelings towards them were truly like family. Might have been a bit of Stockholm syndrome, if I'm honest. I moved through roles. Nurse Practitioner. Clinical Quality. Clinical Skills Development Nurse.

I told myself one thing and repeated it until my brain believed it: "I'll leave this company when I'm ready to leave healthcare for good."

Chapter Six

Same Problems, Different Name Tags

I moved companies. God wanted to prove me that the same problems exist everywhere. Just under different names, run by different people.

Regional Support Manager. Which should have been Regional Micromanagement Required Manager. Those were the actual demands. I said goodbye.

Then another company. Clinical Trainer and Facilitator. Some fancy title. In that role I discovered, built, and loved the Leadership training. Until I realised what I was actually doing: telling burned out people to do more. Asking nurses to build resilience during a 12 hour shift when they couldn't even take a break to eat.

I was never able to fit in those teams. Too much performance when people were suffering. Someone once told me I wasn't cut out for a Head Office role because I was "too soft."

I'm not soft. I have values. I see the human beings around me. And I refused to become the kind of person who kicked me when I was down, asking for more, more, more, and it was never enough.

Chapter Seven

Today's Self

My story is long and never on a straight motorway. I think hell and purgatory were here. On earth. During all these years.

But it was a long way to lead me to my true self. Today's self.

I built The Untrained Leader because nobody should have to choose between caring for others and surviving themselves. Because the system won't save you. And because sometimes the person who shows up for everyone else needs someone to show up for them.

That's what I do now. I help regulatory bodies navigate with humanity. I guide healthcare workers out of the darkness I know too well. And I coach everyday people into becoming the leaders they already are.

No MBA. No certification on a wall. Just every shift, every breakdown, every 3am phone call, every moment I wanted to disappear. That's my qualification.

What I Stand For

These Aren't Words on a Wall

They're how I show up. Every single time.

Grit Over Gloss

Real growth is messy. I'd rather be honest than polished. The hard truth always serves you better than a comfortable lie.

People Before Systems

Systems exist to serve people, never the other way around. If a policy doesn't protect the person in front of you, it needs to change.

Lead From Where You Are

You don't need a title, a corner office, or anyone's permission. You need courage. Everything else follows.

Growth Never Stops

You never "arrive." And that's a beautiful thing. Every setback is a setup. Every dark chapter has a next page.

Get to Know Me Better

The Story Continues

There's more to tell. A lot more. Follow me on social media to see the unfiltered, unscripted version. The chapters I'm still writing.

I Wasn't Trained
for Any of This